Not Starving

I’ve been a little down lately and most of it has to do with my weight. I don’t dislike my body, and I don’t think negatively towards it. I am more upset that I had a goal to lose weight (to be healthier), and I almost reached my goal weight before ballooning back up to 23 pounds heavier than my highest weight.

I have been overweight/obese all my life and in June 2014, I started a weight loss group with my best friend and my sister. I had an internship at the time, and three days a week, I would walk the four miles home. Then, two days a week, I would get up early with the girls to play Zombies Run! together. It was fun and exciting. I lost 10 pounds the first month.

Then I moved out and lost until I reached 161 pounds. I felt so good in my skin. My clothes fit perfectly on me. I was never out of breath. I was healthy. I was fit. I was starving.

i starved myself

We used MyFitnessPal to count calories to lose the weight. And, it worked a little too well. I was constantly having hunger pains during the day, but I didn’t want to use up all my calories before dinner. Now, I wasn’t perfect. When you are starving your body, it’s natural instinct kicks in and you want food. So, I say that I was “good” in counting calories about 4 days a week. The other days I ate more. I always ate healthily and sometimes splurged on mocha frappes and McDonald’s.

This also worked so well because I was living away from home. I got to control what food was brought into my home. I got to control what I ate. When I moved back home, my binging started. I had access to all the foods that are super bad for you, but yet are so addicting because they taste so good. I couldn’t resist the fried mozzarella sticks, the chocolate bars, the buttered vegetables or my mom and grandmother making me food. They love serving people, and I couldn’t say no when they would hand me stuff I haven’t eaten in over a year. Then, that first bite would give me a hit of nostalgia. Oh, how I love the good old times.

Then the worst thing imaginable in my predicament happened. I broke my knee. Well, dislocated it to a point where I couldn’t exercise outside of Physical Therapy for 3 months. So, a house full of fattening food and no way to exercise equals a whole bunch of weight gain. I was spinning out of control. I was hating myself. I cried almost every day leading up to my wedding. I almost ripped my wedding dress. My husband couldn’t carry me over the threshold. I sobbed.

They say when you lose weight by starving yourself, you will gain it all back and then some. They’re not wrong. I gained all 35 pounds back plus 23 extra. I have never been in the 200s before for more than a day. It’s coming up to almost a year since I’ve been a resident. It sucks. It really does.

I cannot climb the stairs without getting winded. I cannot fit into my clothes and have to wear my husband’s. I don’t have the energy I used to. Sometimes, I think I should move out again for my health’s sake. But, I would be just running away from my problems.

Why am I telling you this? Well, health is a big factor in our happiness. I want to get my health back on the right track and I want to share how I do it. This January, I lost 5 pounds. It’s not much, but I will take anything. I don’t care if I lose 0.5 pounds a week. I am finally in this for the long haul.

I am currently at 216 pounds. Here is my plan:

No Starving
I refuse to count calories anymore. I am going to eat as healthy as I can when I am hungry.

I have been a vegan for a few months now with the occasional slip up (slip-ups have been vegetarian, I haven’t had meat since 2011).

I have been drinking at least 12 cups a day, but I am going to strive for a gallon every day.

I want to go on the treadmill 5 days a week and mock my previous exercise plan from when I first started.

I will be going outside as much as possible. I will play with my siblings. I will wander around. I will enjoy nature.

I am not concerned with fast results. I concerned with healthy results. I want to get back into the shape I was back in 2015, but I don’t want to starve myself to get there.

So, these are my plans for getting my health back in order. I will post the occasional update for everyone.

Have you starved yourself to lose weight? What was your experience like?